I'll Always Love You
by thecatspajamas12
Summary: a series of ryan/marissa oneshots. Just read it, if you read and comment, I swear I will read and comment your story because if you do read this, you are awesome, so i know reading your story will be totally worth my time.
1. Chapter 1

Ryan didn't want to deal with Sadie, or college, not right now

Ryan didn't want to deal with Sadie, or college, not right now. She had found her way into his thoughts again, but she would never learn. There was no point in worrying about her anymore. If you cant beat em, join em, he thought bitterly, grabbing a bottle of vodka from the Cohen's cabinet and heading for the lifeguard stand. Ryan needed to loosen up, he needed to stop thinking, he needed to get over Marissa Cooper once and for all. He stared out at the waves, sipping the bottle. His cell phone buzzed and he knew it was Seth, wondering where he was.  
"Hey," she walked out of the darkness, she was truly inescapable.  
"Hey," he said, not lifting his gaze, he couldn't look at her and think straight after the booze. "Where's Volcheck?"  
"He's back at the...house, high with his sleazy friends." She said, sitting down next to him, "They were started to get to me." She grabbed the bottle he was holding from his side and examined it. "Wow, I don't think I've ever seen Ryan Atwood drinking," she teased and took a swig.  
"Yeah, well, I think you did enough of that for the both of us," he said coldly, immediately regretting it.  
She fell silent, "Hey, I'm sorry, the past couple days have just been..."  
"Weird?" she offered, "Wanna talk about it?"  
Ryan laughed, "why?"  
"Because... I dunno, just forget it." She stood up.  
"No, wait," He grabbed her hand, cold and small, "Let's talk," he held on a couple seconds longer than neccesary and their eyes locked. "So, what's up?"  
"...I just...I dunno, I mean I feel like I'm being forced into adulthood and i still want to be a kid. And were all going away, and you and me..." he sighed, "the last three years I've spent in Newport, that's the only time i've ever been happy, had a family, I don't want to lose that. You and Seth and Summer, I think they're going to break up again because Seth didnt get into Brown. I'm going away and you're..."  
"stuck here," Marissa finished, taking another swig.  
"You know could go to Berkeley if you wanted to,"  
"No, I couldn't," Marissa's eyes filled with tears for the third time that day, "I'm not like them..."  
"I'll be there,"  
"I'm not a whole lot like you either," she joked.  
They sat in silence for a couple minutes, watching the waves.  
"So how's Volcheck?"  
"You know, he's...he's actually high most of the time, not very interesting, but sometimes he's kind of...nice, and besides, it's killing my mom,"  
"That's...good?"  
"How's Sadie?"  
"Alright, I guess, I think we might break up cause i have to go to Berkeley and she has her beading..."  
"huh," Marissa said thoughtfully  
"who the fuck beads?" Ryan exclaimed after a pause.  
Marissa laughed, "Ryan! People bead..." She hit him in the arm and took the bottle from him, knowing it was the liquor talking. Ryan never talked this much, or this way. She kind of liked it, she was a little weirded out...it was like seeing your mom drunk.  
"This is stupid, but I always thought it would end up Seth, Summer and me and you, the core four,"  
"Yeah, me too," Ryan said quietly.  
They were quiet.  
Ryan snorted, "The core four?"  
"Taylor, don't ask..." She shivered, taking yet another sip of vodka, she was really starting to feel it, but she wasn't totally hammered, not yet anyway. That would be a couple hours later, back at…home. Volcheck would be passed out in bed after sex and she would be perched on the couch, drinking a ridiculous amount of cheap beer. The past few weeks she hadn't been able to sleep much, she shivered and gulped down some more booze.  
"You cold?" Ryan asked, always the gentleman. It was nice being worried about.  
"Always," she smiled as he pulled off his hoodie. He pulled from behind his head, she noticed, he always did. "Thanks,"  
It was way too big and it smelled like him. She thought of being a kid again, two years ago the thought of her and Ryan on a beach with booze would thrill her, now it was just two old friends. Two years ago she would have been disgusted with herself. She felt herself choke up, but she needed to say this, even if she had been planning to say it on graduation. She swallowed and looked into his eyes, "Ryan, I'm sorry, for all the craziness, everything I put you through," her voice shook.  
"I wouldn't have done it any differently," he said softly, and she realized how close he was, "except maybe Oliver,"  
She smiled, " yeah, me too," and leaned forward, just the tiniest bit, tears were still running freely, but she didn't know why she was crying, maybe because this period of her life would end, the core four would be gone. And Ryan, he would be gone, they would lead separate lives, he would be free of her and the dysfunction that seemed to surround her. "But I mean, I'm sorry for putting you through...all of my shit," she bit her lip and looked down, but something caught her chin.  
Ryan tipped her chin back up so she was looking at him, "You," he said clearly, "are the best thing that has ever happened to me." And with that she burst into tears, head falling on his shoulder.

Ryan didn't know what to do, he just hugged her and breathed in the smell of her. She was so small, she had lost more weight since he'd seen her. He rubbed her back and rocked back and forth soothingly, he hoped. "I don't know what to do anymore,"

He had a feeling these were pent up emotions set free by the booze.

They stayed that way for a long time, Marissa sniffling into Ryan's chest, Ryan buried his head into her hair and said, "I will always love you."

"Really?" Marissa whispered into his chest and looked up at him.

He shrugged, "I can't help it," she giggled. "C'mon, let's go home," he couldn't bear the thought of her going back to Vocheck tonight. They walked back to the Cohen's in silence, but as she walked inside, she realized the Cohen house was more home to her than anywhere had ever been, because Ryan was there.

"Let's get some food," Ryan interrupted her thoughts and they entered the Cohen kitchen to find thai leftovers. It appeared everyone had gone to sleep. He watched Marissa eat a surprising amount of food. It was one, they had been gone for four hours.

"Well, I should be going, thanks for the food, and…everything…"

"You should stay here tonight," he said quickly, "I mean, it's late, and Volcheck's…"

"Not worried about me? It's okay Ryan, but…okay," he had grabbed her hand and was now leading her to the pool house.

"Sorry," he said, scratching the back of his neck, and gesturing towards his unmade bed.

"It's fine," she smiled, this was really awkward…

"Well, I'm gonna go get setup in the living room," he said, grabbing a pillow, "you can borrow whatever…"

"Ryan, wait…I know this is probably really weird, but could you sleep with me, I mean not "sleep with me" but just…I mean," she was bright red and she looked adorable, Ryan thought.

"Yeah,"

"Really?"

"Sure,"

"Okay, well I'm gonna go to the bathroom, and you know," she said, gesturing at her tearstained face, "clean up,"

Ryan sat on the edge of his bed and breathed out. Sadie could not find out about this, even if it wasn't what it looked like, which it wasn't, he reminded himself. He thought he should get changed, he sent a text to Seth:

Srry. Was talking to Marissa. Wur fine. In poolhouse.

And turned off his phone. He stripped out of his shirt and jeans and headed for the kitchen for a water bottle. When he got back Marissa was peeking around in his drawers in her underwear. "Oh, um…hey, I was just looking for some shorts," she pulled his sweatshirt under her butt and cleared her throat, "Um, Ryan?" He shook his head, he had been staring mindlessly at her, at least his mouth hadn't been open. He kicked himself mentally, the last thing this girl needed was to be ogled at. "Oh, yeah, right. Here you go," he said loudly, pulling a pair of boxer shorts out of his drawer and looking up. "Thanks" she said, stepping into them and pulling them up so they fell loosely over her hips. They stood there for a second, staring at each other, until Marissa suggested they get into bed.

She snuggled into the sheets, soft and warm, they smelled just like him. Their legs were touching, they both knew it, but neither said a thing. She felt so safe next to Ryan, next to Vocheck, she was afraid of being woken up with him on top of her…She allowed herself to peek at Ryan, or, more specifically, Ryan's body. His strong, muscular arms, his warm and toned chest, she had never actually seen Ryan work out, but he had to do something to-oh god he was watching her stare at him. "Oh, um…"

She could feel a blush rising and her heart beating and…never mind what else. His eyes were so blue…He was now leaning over her, she decided to take her chance, she had nothing to lose, except an unemployed drug addict.

"I miss you," she whispered, "Even when I'm with you, I miss you, I think…I think I'm in love you." With that, Ryan leaned down over her and brushed his lips, soft and moist, with hers ever so softly, "I'll always love you, Marissa Cooper" and he kissed her harder, sucking on her soft lips and then finding her tongue with his. Oh she had missed him, his taste, the way he never let his full body weight on her, his hands: one on her cheek, brushing her bangs away, and one respectably on her hip, strong and warm. He kissed her jawbone and then her neck, burying his head into her neck, he was scruffy. She was breathing hard now, she could feel her heartbeat between her legs. This was just sex, maybe it felt so intense because lately she'd been high or completely hammered before, or maybe it was because it was Ryan. She ran a hand over his chest and he broke away to pull of his shirt. Marissa followed, clumsily with his big sweat shirt. He ended up pulling it over her head and his chest pressed against hers, heavy and hot. She could feel him against her thigh. He kissed down her neck and to her chest, sucking, she'd never done this. She moaned softly, running her hands through his hair, and arching her back. Volcheck had been a more "let's get down to business," kinda guy. He made his way down her stomach and stopped at the waistband of his shorts. Pulling them off slowly, so only her underwear remained. He grazed his hand up her thigh until it reached in between her legs, the cotton fabric separating his hand from her was already moist. She shivered at his touch, and he slowly, deliberately peeled them off. He lowered his head and kissed up her thigh, and then his head was buried inbetween her legs, his tongue teasing her, she bit her lip, but still she moaned. She had definitely never done this before. She was breathing his name, over and over, until his mouth met hers again. She could taste herself on him, he tasted like sex. She arched her back again and she could feel him hard against her. He pulled of his own boxers quickly and pressed his body into hers. She wrapped her legs around him and his was inside her, filling the space. She felt whole, for the first time in months, she let out a moan of release, of freedom, of pure joy and then he came, at the sound of her. He fell over her, a shiny glow emanating from them both and buried his head into her neck, "I will always love you, Marissa Cooper." And they fell asleep like that.


	2. A New Chapter

POV= _Ryan_, Marissa

Marissa stood in Ryan's bathroom, sobbing into a washcloth on the floor. She hadn't looked into the mirror yet, she was too afraid. Suddenly, she heard voices outside the door; she froze. It was Ryan, with Seth. Why wasn't he at Sadie's, like Seth told her? She'd planned on just crashing at the pool house for the night and then leaving for San Francisco, that way no one would have to see her like this and she wouldn't have to say goodbye. She was mortified at the thought of being found; coming to Ryan for help…again, but she was trapped.

She heard a door close; Seth was gone. She waited, hoping she wouldn't scare Ryan when he opened the door and contemplated feinting sleep so she wouldn't have to explain, but then realized that would scare him more because with her newly acquired injuries, she might look dead. Finally, Ryan opened the door.

She wished she had been killed, or killed herself. He didn't jump; he just stood there, shocked. Marissa immediately began talking. "Ryan, I'm so sorry, I only came her because I thought you'd be at Sadie's and I-"

Ryan knelt down in front of her, pushed her wet hair back with a shaking hand and tilted her face gently toward his, the only word she could find to describe his face was heartbroken. She had disappointed him, again. She turned away in shame and started apologizing because she didn't know what else to do. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she sobbed into his shoulder, he rocked her back and forth gently on the floor.

_ "You're going to be okay," Ryan felt guilt settle onto him like bricks, he should have known. He was also so terrified that Marissa was not in fact okay that he was shaking. She looked like a scared little kid, all he could think was 'oh, fuck, how did this happen, how did I let this happen?' He swallowed the painful feeling in his throat and closed his eyes to stop them from watering. _

_ "You're gonna be fine. It's not your fault," His voice cracked into her messy hair as he rubbed her back soothingly. It was his fault. He listened to the rain outside and held her until she stopped sobbing. _

_"C'mon, lets get you cleaned up," She looked up at him, and he tried to keep the shock out of his face. He hadn't seen her in six months and Marissa was emaciated, with large circles under her huge eyes. Her skin, which once held a healthy glow looked pale and grey where it wasn't bruised. She had a black eye, which left a whole cheek bleeding and swollen, a swollen lip, a bruised chin and a large amount of blood coming out from under her hair. "Marissa, you need to go to the hospital."_

_"No, its just superficial, it doesn't hurt that much. I'm fine." She wiped the tears from under her eyes. _

_"Okay, well I'm at least getting Kirsten-"_

_"NO, no one can see me like this," her voice cracked._

_Ryan waited for her to compose herself. "Marissa, you need medical attention," he said strongly, trying to keep the fear out of his voice. _

_"If you get Kirsten, I'm leaving," There was a pause as Marissa stared defiantly at him. "Can you stand up?" He asked, defeated. _

_"uh huh," she got up slowly, placing her left leg gently on the ground. Ryan ended up pulling her up. She stood, holding onto him for support and looked herself in the mirror for the first time. _

_"Oh fuck," she cried, and turned her face away, against Ryan. "oh, no. It hurts. It hurts," she sobbed. Ryan stood, supporting her and again, feeling awful. He sat her on the toilet and grabbed the washcloth, soaking it in hot water. He tilted her chin up and dabbed her face as softly as he could, while trying to keep his hand from shaking and look normal. She sniffled and wouldn't meet his gaze. His eyes wandered over the rest of her, mostly covered by her wet dress. There were finger marks on her wrists and she was barefoot. _

"Let me get you some new clothes."

"Don't get Kirsten," she said.

"I'm just getting a shirt," he promised.

Marissa was exhausted, she wanted to go to sleep and never talk to anyone about this. She wanted it to be over, she wished Ryan had never found out…but at the same time, she wanted him with her more than anything. She couldn't bear it if he brought her to the hospital; the florescent lights, the cold, the briskness and detachment of doctors, and then everyone would know. Ryan arrived with aspirin, a glass of water, a shirt and some band aids.

_"Thank you," He handed her the aspirin and the water. "Here."_

_"I'll let you…"_

_"No, don't leave."_

_"Okay."_

_She drank all the water and stood up slowly, wobbling. "Can you?"_

_"Yeah," He started to undo the front buttons of her dress without looking at her, scared of what he would see, working his way up. As he pushed the fabric off of her bony, trembling shoulders, his fingers ran over a large yellow bruise on her collarbone, she flinched. It looked at least three days old. _

_"Marissa…" He looked at her, about to ask, but her face said everything. "I had no where else to go, except back" she whispered shakily. He pulled her close, "you always have me, always." He brushed his lips against her forehead and she tilted her chin up, grazing his nose and matching her own lips, cracked and swollen, with his, only a breath between them. _

_He moved his face back, "you're going to be ok." this was not three years ago and he could not afford to be anymore emotionally involved with Marissa than he already was. Besides, it seemed wrong to kiss her when she was…like this. He grabbed the shirt, keeping his eyes averted, afraid of what he might see._

Ryan pulled the shirt over her timidly. She breathed in his smell. The shirt fell mid thigh, and she still felt completely exposed. "Okay, good," she heard him say, she closed her eyes until she heard a terrified "Marissa?"

"I'm okay, I'm just tired."

"Here, come here," he led her out of the bathroom and pulled the covers out from his bed and helped her in. As he tucked her in, his face fell over hers and their eyes met.

"Stay with me," she whispered and watched him make up his mind not to, but just as he raised his head, she put her hand behind his neck, keeping his head over hers. "Please," she breathed.

"Okay," he said, not moving, "Your hands are cold."

She smiled. "I'm always cold,"

"I remember." He pulled his hand off her neck and held it in both of his own. "I'm so glad you came back," He got into bed and put his arm under her, her head on his chest.

"I'm so sorry, for what I said, I was just angry at the world, I was lost-I wanted to come back but I was afraid you hated me-"

"Hey." He pushed her tearstained face up to look at his, "I know,"

She burst into tears again. "I know. I know. I know," Ryan hushed her, stroking her hair as they listened to the rain. How could he just forgive her, how could he understand? Because it was Ryan, and Ryan always understood.

"Please, don't cry," he rolled on his side to brush the tears from her cheeks. He kissed her tenderly, holding her head in his hand. "Please don't cry anymore," he whispered weakly into her ear and kissed his way back to her lips. He hovered over her; she closed her eyes and moved her head so their noses grazed. He kissed her upper lip softly, then her forehead. She felt him bury his head into her hair and his warm breath against her neck, "You're safe." He whispered and, for the first time in a long time, she fell asleep happy.


End file.
